Soylent PIG is People

Well, I did it, I effin did it...
$19 gots me :
The Haid of one Market Swine
The Tail of said Swine
The Tongue "as above"
The Front Legs "as above" orwere they the REAR ?

I bequeth-ed the name SNAPES upon my soon to be brined bits of heem, so sayeth we all.

I like a CHALLENGE, so I asked the Butcher to leave Snapes INTACT, haid in one piece as I wanted The Full Experience. The Haid, Tongue, Tail and ForeLegs all came in seperate, neatly lettered bags, bearing SOME EVIDENCE as to their Contents, alas, MY nombre was on the HAID, a source of MUCH GLEE to no less than one Chum in attendance.

FIRST was CLEANING, sounds SIMPLE huh ? Well, I soon learned that Snapes' legs had stubble onnem that would make a virgin prepping for first date BLUSH, so, out came the Gilette Mach3 Vibrating Fancy Boy Razor ( olde blade ) and I proceeded to shave Ole Snapes doon, lest his HAIR gets into me BRAWN ( aka HeadChz )

I found this task, peculiar. I am no stranger to the Follicle Based Arts and I found mesel recalling shaving the Missus legs doon in the tub a few nights prior...ODD I say, ODD. NO to all you NaziFems out there, I am not comparing the Mother of my Chilluns to a SWINE, at least not in a sense unbecoming of Moi.

Separating the HOCK from the TROTTER was Easy, splitting the TROTTER was NOT. MUCH PRESSURE reqd to coerce Cleaver thru Trotter was reqd, when success was achieved, into the Brine the Bits went for a sumptuous 15 hr bath in 2c of Salt, 1c of Sucre, two Haids of Garlix, and various herbs in me Garden likes Thyme, Chives, Parsley + some cloves and allspice berries.

The tongue and tail just required a RINSE and a YUCK CHECK for any OFFending bits. HORROR SHOW Pt 1 started when I chucked the tongue and tail in, reached my forearm into the Brine to swish it about, and, the Tongue LICKED ME ! Yick.

OK, Gut Check Time, let's deal with the Haid, The EpiCENTRE, all other bits were Pregame baybee. Decided Snapes could use some Gilette time as well, no DOOT. I had a LARGE DILEMNA on me hands in the form of : How many Teeth per Inch on me Hacksaw blade will slice Snapes JUUUST right ? I went with 24 and 36tpi models, aloth, as The Show wore on, this was MINOR ISH compared with 12" hacksaw blade LENGTH ( aka shoulda bought a MEAT SAW, which appears to start at 16". )

Hacksaw blade length QUICKLY became an ISSUE as Snapes' Haid was praps 11" nose to neck, and thusly, only short, impatient strokes could be used unless the ANGLE of ATTACK was modified. BUT, perserverance soon PAID off and we were left staring at two halves, soon to be quartered chunks o haid.

Out came the BRAINS, and THEN, the most disturbing part of The Program for me, the EYES have it. I pushed the paring knife IN on the LOW SIDE, and Snapes would STARE ACCUSINGLY at EVERY DOWNTHRUST. double YICK. Gots em all cleaned up and slapped into the Brine, kept machillin with icepax, until the NEXT day. Stay Tuned, photos of parting out parboiled pigbits are SKETCHY as Archivist on duty for First Day was not present for Second Day...